introspective – Page 9 – In So Many Words

December 25, 2019April 30, 2020

Mixed Emotions

It’s Christmas Day as I write this, and I am officially 50 years old. Seems like I should have a better handle on life by now, but I still feel like I am struggling to get through the day sometimes. My son will be 18 in a few months, which seems impossible to believe, but is true.

Life with the puppy continues to have its ups and downs. He is six months old now and growing bigger everyday. Sometimes I look at him and am filled with regret that I got him because he makes me question my sanity, but other times I am overwhelmed by love for him and thankful for the joy he has brought to my life already. On a sleepless night recently, I went so far as to read the surrender information page on a rescue website and found myself sobbing at the painful thought of giving him up, although I still don’t know how I am going to make it through puppyhood.

A lot of the day is okay. He still takes frequent naps, and a marrow bone will keep him occupied for up to an hour. He gets hyper around 3-4 pm and usually enjoys a trip to the dog park as long as it isn’t raining. It’s hard for me to take him places because he pulls so hard on the leash and jumps on people as well. I took him to the pet store recently and it was a disaster!

Potty training is still hit and miss. He sometimes whines at me to take him out, but other times will just do his business on the floor in the kitchen or the family room. If I catch him, I tell him to stop and then take him outside immediately. I know I should keep him with me at all times, but it is difficult to do that. It would help if we had a way to put a gate at the top of the stairs between the kitchen and family room. But that would require replacing the existing half-railing with a pony wall, and I’m not sure if my husband is interested in doing that.

Other issues include chasing the cat sometimes (although sometimes he will leave him alone), barking incessantly when he is tired of being in the office with me or wants me to play with him instead of eating my dinner, and more recently peeing in his crate when we go out. We don’t use the crate for sleeping, only for when we are out of the house, and it’s not going so well.

I’m sure most of these problems are due to my lack of ability as a trainer. I am considering a private dog trainer to help me learn the skills I am missing and get things under control. We did a group class at the pet store for puppy skills and he did learn a few things but it was difficult to concentrate because he was too distracted by the other dogs. I’m thinking some one on one time with a trainer would be helpful.

So that’s my update for now. I still have hope that I can make it through and keep my sanity intact.

December 8, 2019December 8, 2019

A Little Less Blue

It’s been two weeks since I shared about the puppy blues and how overwhelmed I have been feeling. Things have been a bit better since then – I haven’t had another meltdown, which is a good sign.

I changed my work hours slightly so it would be easier to take Baxter to the dog park after work, and that has helped. He enjoys running around with the other dogs, and I appreciate how tired it makes him afterwards. 🙂

Potty training is continuing to improve as well. Although he has still gone in the house occasionally, there have been several times when he clearly signaled to me that he needed to go out. He is still going every 2-3 hours. I thought the time would be increasing by now, but at least it is getting easier to handle.

He is definitely still in the chewing phase, but he doesn’t seem interested in chew toys very much, unless they are brand new so the novelty is there. He will spend a good chunk of time with a bone that has some marrow on it though. My friend Kim shared with me that after her dogs are done with a bone, she puts peanut butter in it and freezes it to extend its life as a treat.

One good thing is that having to communicate my feelings and needs is helping me become a little more assertive, which is something that has always been a problem for me. It’s still not super easy, but I am forcing myself to speak up so that I don’t get completely overwhelmed again.

October 21, 2018April 7, 2020

Am I a Minimalist?

I think the answer ultimately is no, I am not a minimalist, but I have to admit the idea is very appealing. I do find myself looking at things differently now and recognizing when something has moved from useful to clutter, and then taking the steps to get rid of it. But there are still things I am definitely keeping just in case or for sentimental reasons which I don’t strictly need.

This month, I attempted the Minimalism Game, where you get rid of 1 thing on day 1, 2 things on day 2, and so on until day 30 when you get rid of 30 things. I made it to day 19 and got rid of a total of 190 things but then I just ran out of ideas on what to declutter. Having just finished the KonMari process on my whole house, I had already gotten rid of the obvious stuff I no longer wanted or needed.

I don’t feel bad about not finishing the challenge though. Instead I just feel good that I was able to do as many days as I did. It helped me refine my ideas about what things are important to me and what stuff is no longer needed. I also find myself getting more joy out of the items I have kept.

My biggest challenge now is getting into a better cleaning routine. I do tend to be a minimalist when it comes to expanding effort in cleaning my house, and I would like to do better in that area. Decluttering has definitely helped because there are fewer things in the way, but I still have room to improve.

How about you, are you a minimalist (or an aspiring one)?

October 8, 2018October 8, 2018

Decluttering, Part Two

I shared the beginning of my decluttering journey in part one of this series, including my introduction to the KonMari method.

After working my way through about half the categories, I was pleasantly surprised when my husband expressed interest in decluttering his things. We went through his clothes and he easily discarded at least 30-40% of them. One of the bags was so big it barely fit into the donation bin when we went to drop them off!

Given our success with his clothes, I asked him to help me tackle the pile of electronics that was in the family room. Again, I was shocked by how much he was willing to let go of. The items we kept easily fit into an empty basket we had on a shelf of the TV stand.

Since then, I have decluttered and organized my craft supplies as well as all the stuff in our little storage area – Christmas decorations, luggage and bags, and sentimental items. I even put my childhood photos into an album after having them lose in a box for many years. The only thing I really have left to go through is my son’s keepsakes.

I have been so amazed at how easy this method was and how much of a difference it made in my life. I am much more motivated to keep my house tidy and to clean more regularly.

Since (almost) finishing the KonMari process, I am much more aware of the items in my house and find myself noticing things that don’t spark joy and getting rid of them. I have kept watching videos of people decluttering on YouTube and even started watching videos on minimalism.

Minimalism is a fascinating topic. I’m not sure I will ever be a true minimalist, but I do feel I can continue to pare down my possessions from what they are. I also want to be more intentional about the things I bring into my life. Right now I am playing the 30 Day Minimalism Game. On the first day you get rid of one thing, on the second day you get rid of two things, all the way up to the thirtieth day when you get rid of thirty things.

I’m curious, what’s your experience with decluttering? Do you enjoy it or dread it?

October 7, 2018October 8, 2018

Decluttering, Part One

I have been on a big decluttering kick lately. It started with me breaking down and reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I have the kind of personality that resists things that are popular but I’m glad I finally picked this one up.

I was hyper organized during my high school and college years, probably to the annoyance of my roommates. But marriage to a person who liked to hold onto everything and also struggled with organization made it very hard to stay that way. Once I was divorced, I found that my standards regarding clutter had relaxed somewhat. I still wanted to be organized but was a bit overwhelmed with my new life, so things weren’t always as put away as I would have liked.

When I picked up this book, I was two and a half years into a new marriage and had moved from an apartment to a house about six months earlier. We had mostly unpacked and had developed some good routines for running the house, but there were definitely some areas that needed help. My clothes had just been shoved into the closet any which way, my craft cupboard was empty while the supplies sat in boxes, and a pile of various electronic items lived in one corner of the family room.

Kondo’s advice to declutter by category rather than location and all at once rather than a little at a time was intriguing, as was her instruction to hold each item and ask if it sparked joy to determine its fate. I didn’t try it out right away though; first I looked up the KonMari method on YouTube and started watching videos of other people who were decluttering using it. After a few of these, I sat down with my little jewelry box and took everything out. I was surprised by how much was in there and even more surprised by the amount that ended up in the discard pile. I felt so good putting just the items I loved back in the box and returning it to its spot on my dresser.

After that, I started decluttering different small categories of things. Each time I was very pleased with the results but it still took me a while to tackle my clothes, which is where Kondo recommends you start. But I finally opened my closet and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. After that I was pretty eager to keep going.

One of my favorite transformations was where we keep our linens. It was piled high with sheets, towels, blankets, and pillows. I had been thinking we needed a better storage solution for that area, but once I was done decluttering, the space looked just fine as it was. Another area that I am especially happy with is my baking cupboard. It had gotten completely out of control and now it looks perfectly organized and clutter free.

Click here for part 2, where I share more of my journey with decluttering and the KonMari method.

May 17, 2018May 20, 2025

A Motivation Update

Motivation

I sometimes find it interesting to look back at what I have posted here and see how things have changed. In September 2016, I posted Unmotivated = Overwhelmed and shared about how life was basically kicking my butt.

Things are much different now, partly because of the progress I have made with my medication and therapy, as I posted in My Journey with Psych Meds a few days ago. Here are the things that were overwhelming me back then with an update on where I am now:

Adjusting to being married again – Joe & I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and have bought a house. I have really settled in to the relationship and feel much more comfortable being myself around him.
Continuing existing friendships while being married – Of my three close friends, I still have two of them and those relationships are going very well. I seem to have lost the other one, who stopped responding to my attempts to connect a few months ago. I was really upset about it for a long time, but now I am moving on.
Getting used to a new church and trying to make connections there – We are now going to a life group connected with our church that meets every other Wednesday night. There are two other couples in the group, and we have really bonded. We are all friends on Facebook, and we have good conversations when we are together. Currently we are reading the book The Purpose Driven Life together and discussing it.
Trying to participate in group conversations at lunchtime (can handle 1 person or maybe 2, but more than that gets tricky) – I work from home now so almost all my communication is through email or Skype IM. I rarely have to talk to anyone at work, and then it is always one-on-one. I still find group conversations difficult and mostly stay quiet during them, although I am comfortable speaking at the life group I mentioned.
Parenting an autistic 14-year old boy – Michael is 16 now and just about to finish 9th grade. We spent 8 months in Family Based Mental Health Services, and it was very helpful in dealing with his depression and anxiety (along with medication that took a while to figure out). Now he is back in the regular services and sees a mobile therapist once a week. I feel our relationship is a lot stronger – we talk more and play games together. He is also more sociable – going to Smash Bros tournaments and having a friend over to play video games occasionally.

All in all, life is good. We are talking about getting a dog sometime in the next few months. Joe & I are going to Boston for a few days this summer, and next year we are planning a trip for the three of us to Illinois to see both my parents and possibly some other family. We have a few unexpected home repairs to deal with, but Joe is very handy and will probably be able to take care of them himself, which is a huge blessing.

So, how are you feeling these days – motivated or overwhelmed?

May 12, 2018April 7, 2020

My Journey with Psych Meds

I have a love/hate relationship with psych meds. I have been on and off anti-depressants for about 16 years, since Michael was 5 months old. I had struggled with mental health issues for years without getting any help, but after Michael was born I experienced severe postpartum depression and was barely functioning. I finally told my doctor what was going on and she prescribed my first anti-depressant.

After a few years on the medication, I found it wasn’t really working the way it had been. I was on Celexa and my emotions were so muted that I don’t think I would have reacted even if the house were on fire. At that point the doctor switched me to Wellbutrin. It worked great for a couple of years, giving me some energy and making me more connected with things again. But after a while, I found it was making me too agitated and had to stop it.

I tried other things but didn’t find one that worked and I ended up not taking anything for a while. I was in therapy by this point and even though I switched therapists a couple of times, it was helpful.

I eventually went back on an anti- depressant. When I went through the separation from my ex-husband, I was really struggling so the doctor increased my dosage a couple of times. Over the next few months, things got really weird. I was exhibiting strange behaviors and out of control moods. I finally told my psychiatrist everything that was going on and she realized that I had been experiencing hypomania, brought on by the increase in the anti-depressant.

She then diagnosed me with bipolar 2 and put me on a mood stabilizer. We tried several different ones, but I kept having lots of side effects such as being groggy. Finally we tried Risperdal and it worked great. I was still dealing with depression and anxiety so I also took Prozac for that. As long as I take the Risperdal, the Prozac doesn’t trigger any hypomania.

Things were stable for quite a while, but then I gradually stopped taking the Prozac. I was feeling disconnected and having trouble engaging with life and I thought things would be better without it. But instead I was miserable. I had to increase my counseling frequency and even that wasn’t really helping. Finally I started taking the Prozac again and now I feel great. I have decided to accept the feeling of being somewhat muted in order to avoid the depression and anxiety.

Things feel pretty stable right now and I’m hopeful that they will continue to be that way. I am down to one a month counseling and see the psychiatrist every three months, which is great for my budget as well. It’s easier to focus and be productive and I’m not sidetracked by constant worrying or preoccupation with my moods. All in all, taking the meds is the best way to go for me.

Have you ever tried psych meds? What has your experience been?

September 23, 2016April 7, 2020

On Autism Acceptance

Even though I have been “aware” of autism since 2004, when my son was diagnosed, and even though I myself was diagnosed with Asperger’s in 2012, the idea of autism acceptance is still fairly new to me.

I have spent my whole life feeling like there was something wrong with me and wishing I could be fixed somehow so that I could fit in with other people without so much difficulty. I have desperately wanted to understand all the little (and big) things that most people seem to just know without thinking about it. And once I had learned some of those things – through extensive reading and close observation – I still struggled with applying them to my own life.

After I was diagnosed with Asperger’s, I spent time educating my boss on what it meant and advocating for things that would allow me to be more successful in doing my job while maintaining my sanity at the same time. (Thankfully, she has been extremely understanding and accommodating.)

But underneath it all, even with all the awareness and advocacy, there is still a part of me that is always self-conscious and sometimes even ashamed of who I am.

So now I am learning what it means to accept myself for who I am and how to teach my son to do the same. It’s a slow process but I am thankful for the many people I am meeting on Twitter and through blogs and websites to learn from.

Hopefully I will look back on this post someday and say that was the old me and that the new me is proud of who she is.

September 14, 2016September 15, 2016

Unmotivated = Overwhelmed?

Note about the title: I am not saying that being unmotivated always equals being overwhelmed, just that it seems to be a large factor in my recent experience of my own life.

I posted the other day about how my motivation seems lacking lately. The more I think about the situation, the more I think I have been shutting down because there are things in my life that seem overwhelming and it’s easier to retreat into myself than to face them. When I get stressed, my default mode seems to be finding ways to escape and isolating myself from others. While alone time can be a good thing for the right reasons, it’s generally not helpful for me when I’m using it to avoid the unpleasant or difficult aspects of life.

So, what am I overwhelmed by? Several things come to mind:

Adjusting to being married again (it will be a year on October 2nd)
Continuing existing friendships while being married
Getting used to a new church and trying to make connections there
Trying to participate in group conversations at lunchtime (can handle 1 person or maybe 2, but more than that gets tricky)
Parenting an autistic 14-year old boy

While all of these situations worry me at different times, the biggest one at the moment is parenting. I remember feeling very overwhelmed when my son was little, and especially following his autism diagnosis at age 2, but somewhere along the way, I started to feel more confident about how to be a good parent to him. I handled meltdowns and introducing new situations and kissed and cuddled him a lot and advocated for him everywhere he needed it.

Then he became a teenager and everything changed. He started talking about wanting to make friends and not being able to and about feeling useless and hopeless sometimes.

Here’s where it all breaks down. I feel terrible for him and worry about him, but I don’t know what to say or do to make it all better. I know that my life is better now in a lot of ways than it was when I was 14, but I also still deal with a lot of insecurities and miscommunication problems. I want to project confidence and give strategies that he can actually use, but all I can think is that I also want to make friends and feel useless and hopeless sometimes too. Then I start to question my own life, as well as my ability to be a good parent, and I just shut down without really responding to him.

I talked with my therapist about this and she had a couple of thoughts. One was that perhaps it would be helpful to him just to have me listen and validate what he is feeling instead of only focusing on trying to fix things. She also commented on the fact that I seem quite isolated, and that reaching out to other people, perhaps in a support group with other parents, would help me be in a better place when it comes to relating with him.

I think both of these suggestions could have some merit, but I’m curious what other people think as well. I would appreciate any comments on the situation and how you think I should look at it as well as how best to deal with it.

September 9, 2016

It’s a Question of Motivation

I used to get excited by things – a new book or movie coming out, a hobby like stamping or blogging, being around friends, a challenge at work. But lately it has been much harder for me to have much interest in anything. Most of the time, I don’t want to do anything outside of my basic, normal routine, and even those things are a stretch for me sometimes.

Not all is lost. I have gotten back into reading after a several-month period where books weren’t holding my attention very well, and I did perk up a bit when the recent Star Trek movie Beyond hit the theaters. But given the choice most times, I would rather spend my time bingeing on Netflix or sleeping in as late as possible.

When I reflect on this, several questions come to mind:

Is this a sign of worsening depression or just a side effect of the medications I am already on?
Am I getting old before my time?
Does it really matter? Isn’t part of being an adult that you are allowed to do what you want with your free time, even if that is nothing?
What kind of example am I setting for my son?

As you can tell from the last question, there is a fair amount of guilt mixed in with the other emotions that come up with I think about this aspect of my life. I want to teach my son how to have a good life and become a responsible adult, but I feel overwhelmed when it comes to actually doing so. I just don’t feel I have these skills down pat in my own life, so it is hard to figure out how to pass them on to him.

Not being able to pin down the problem makes it even harder to solve. I keep hoping something will come along that engages me in the way that I used to enjoy. In the meantime, I have gotten back into regular therapy to help me sort out what exactly is going on with me and what to do about it. It’s nice to have someone who is both on your side and has the knowledge to help, especially since it has taken me a while to find her (my last good therapist moved away over a year ago and I have been to three different people since then).

I often wonder if other people go through similar times where they feel unmotivated and how they think about it, as well as what they do about it. If you have any insights to share or can relate in any way, please leave a comment and let me know what you think.