Category: introspective

Posted on

Update on Michael

Michael has been having some swallowing issues that I recently became aware of. He describes it as a pressure in his chest and a feeling of release after he drinks water. If he is unable to drink water right away, the pressure increases and become painful. I took him to his primary care office and they referred him to GI and gave him a medication to try in the meantime.

We had the GI appointment, and she wants him to continue using the medication and have a couple of tests – a barium swallow and an upper endoscopy. She said that it could be related to reflux, or it could be EOE like I have, or it might be a motility issue. She said the suggestion of achalasia made by the primary care office is unlikely because that is a more severe problem than he seems to be having.

Michael was more nervous about the swallow test than the scope because he has a lot of sensory sensitivities related to food textures. He had the barium swallow test Monday morning and it was unpleasant but he got through it. The first date they had available for an endoscopy was October 20th, so it will be a while until we get to that.

On another note, he has made some real progress with dental work. When he first transitioned to an adult dentist, he needed work done on several teeth and required sedation to handle it. Over the last few years, he has stepped down from twilight sedation to a combination of a pill that he would take an hour before the appointment along with nitrous oxide given during the appointment. This time, he just needed one tooth filled, so the dentist recommended trying it without taking the pill ahead of time. He said he would still give him nitrous if he needed it once they got started, but Michael did just fine without it. I’m so proud of him!

Posted on

Mental Health Update – June 2025

It has been an interesting few months since I last shared how I have been doing. I was in a depression for quite a while and was having a hard time forcing myself to go places and do things. For example, I skipped a lot of church because I just couldn’t make myself go (thankfully, I can watch the services online). I even had a few days where I was crying for no specific reason.

I did talk to my psychiatrist and we increased one of my meds. She originally suggested increasing the antidepressant, but I worried about doing that because of the bipolar 2 dx, so we increased the mood stabilizer instead. (I see her through an autism clinic, so she had forgotten that I also had the bipolar 2 dx, or she probably wouldn’t have made the first suggestion.)

About three weeks ago, I woke up on a Sunday and my first thought was, I would like to go to church today. It has been the same the last two Sundays as well, even this past Sunday after I stayed up most of the night scrolling TikTok. Normally that would be a reason for me to skip, but I knew that I wanted to go. I’m glad I went because the service was great and the sermon was powerful. I even had successful conversations with a couple of people!

I am feeling a bit upset today because Saturday was my 30-year anniversary with my company and no one has acknowledged it in any way. The same thing happened with my 25th, but I chalked that up to COVID; at the time, I had been cut to part-time and was thankful to still have a job.

On a good note, I am starting to look forward to a trip my son and I are taking in September to visit my family in Illinois. I was feeling very anxious about how I would handle it given how depressed I have been, but now it feels much more manageable. Hopefully, I will still feel that way when the time comes.

Posted on

Mother’s Day Reflections

As today is Mother’s Day here in the US, I have been thinking about my mom and her relationship with books. Growing up, I hardly ever saw her without a book in her hands. She would often have more than one going. Her favorite genre was romance, but she also liked mystery/thrillers. 

My mom and her mom and sisters would share books between them. When one of them finished a book, she would put her initials on the inside front cover and then set it aside to be passed on to the next person. I remember us driving to my grandmother’s house just to drop off a bag of books that my mom had finished (and usually pick up a new bag!)

I definitely learned by example to love books myself. I read several hours a day growing up and even into my adulthood. I still read around 8-10 books a month, and, to this day, I feel strange sitting down to eat without having a book in my hands!

My mom was recently diagnosed with borderline Alzheimer’s and confided in me that she hasn’t been able to read for a while now. She can’t concentrate enough to follow a story. This is one of the saddest symptoms to me so far, although I’m sure there will be more difficult ones to come. 

Did your mom have a passion for anything that she passed on to you? What’s a memory you have of her that means a lot to you?

Posted on

Baby Dinosaurs on the Ark?

Baby Dinosaurs on the Ark? The Bible and Modern Science and the Trouble of Making it All Fit by Janet Kellogg Ray

Summary

Janet Kellogg Ray, a science educator who grew up a creationist, doesn’t want other Christians to have to do the exhausting mental gymnastics she did earlier in her life. Working through the findings of a range of fields including geology, paleontology, and biology, she shows how a literal interpretation of the book of Genesis simply doesn’t mesh with what we know to be reality. But as someone who remains a committed Christian, Ray also shows how an acceptance of the theory of evolution is not necessarily an acceptance of atheism, and how God can still be responsible for having created the world, even if it wasn’t in a single, momentary, miraculous event.

Topics Covered

  • The Nature of Science
  • Young Earth Creationism
  • Old Earth Creationism
  • Intelligent Design
  • Theistic Evolution/Evolutionary Creationism
  • Naturalism and Scientism
  • The Age of the Universe and the Earth
  • The Flood and the Fossil Record
  • The Missing Link
  • Human Evolution
  • Leaving Creationism without Leaving God

My Thoughts

I grew up in a conservative pentecostal church and was taught to believe in a young earth and a literal six day creation period along with a worldwide catastrophic flood.  When I was a teenager in the 1980s, I was exposed to the Institute for Creation Research and became obsessed with their materials.  I even challenged a student teacher in one of my high school science classes once.  I am embarrassed now to remember how superior I felt knowing “the truth” that most scientists didn’t understand.

Over the last several years, I have come to the realization that this belief was rooted in fear.  I was afraid that if I listened to mainstream science, I would lose my faith.  It has taken quite a while to overcome these fears, but I no longer believe in a literal reading of the Bible as it relates to science.

Posted on

Autism Mother to Mother Luncheon

For the past several months, I have been part of a committee planning a luncheon for mothers of kids with autism. I was in charge of registration, which included communicating with the moms who had signed up for the luncheon as well as getting everything we needed to hand out at registration together.

It was a lot of work and was stressful at times, but it was so worth it! The event took place last Saturday, and we had over 70 moms in attendance. We also provided childcare for about 20 kids. In addition to the lunch itself, there was a program that was simulcast from the main location in Chambersburg to our location in Harrisburg and one additional location in Lebanon.

One of the neat things about the luncheon is that we find different people to design each table and decorate it with china and a centerpiece and small favors for the moms at that table. We also collect gift baskets and other items to raffle off to the moms. The event was hosted by a local church, New Love in Christ, who provided so much support! The pastor’s wife even created some amazing balloon art for the fellowship hall and the sanctuary.

One of the tables
Several of the other tables
Registration Area
Gift Table
Sanctuary Balloon Art
Fellowship Hall Balloon Art

The speaker for the event was Kate Swenson, co-author with Carrie Cariello and Adrian Wood of Autism Out Loud: Life with a Child on the Spectrum, from Diagnosis to Young Adulthood (which we all got a copy of). She shared about her experiences raising an autistic child and focused a lot on the need to be part of a community instead of living in isolation. It was very encouraging, and I am happy to say that I did make a few new connections that day. I am so glad I decided to get involved with the planning of this incredible event.

Posted on

Catching Up – March 2025

March has been one of my busiest months in a while, and I am ready for things to slow down.

One of the things that has been keeping me quite busy is being on the planning committee for the 10th Autism Mother to Mother Luncheon that is taking place this Saturday. I am in charge of registration, which also includes getting everything ready that we are going to hand out in the folders for each mom. I am glad to be working on that and not more people-intensive things like fundraising or recruiting volunteers, but it has still been stressful at times.

I haven’t been able to do much puzzling because of the luncheon planning. I completed two puzzles on my own and two puzzles with friends at the church brunch & craft event. Even with that, one of the puzzles I did on my own was only 99 pieces!

Here is how far I am on my current puzzle:

I did reach a milestone on my puzzle Instagram – I hit 1000 followers! I am quite pleased by that. I only have 150 followers on my Bookstagram, although probably half of those are people I know IRL and I usually average only 10 likes per post on there. I’m not really sure if it will grow much because most of the accounts I look at to consider following are into romance, romantasy, fantasy, or thrillers. On the other end are more literary accounts, which I prefer but don’t feel I can compare myself to. It is harder to find people similar to myself on there, whereas with puzzles it is quite easy to find common ground and even if their tastes are different from mine, I don’t usually mind too much.

I have also started posting my puzzles and book reviews on my Facebook feed. There are a few people who like them and since they aren’t on Instagram, I do it mainly for them. I get nervous posting books that relate to my faith journey because I have a number of conservative friends on there, but no one has said anything mean or argumentative so far. I don’t really want to spark debates; I just want to share what is going on with me and hope maybe it will make someone think a bit.

Michael is still job hunting, but he has had some success in his health journey. He has been climbing stairs during the winter while it has been too cold to go on walks and can really tell a difference in his stamina. He also weighed in at 199 lbs a few days ago when we saw the weight management doctor, which was very exciting! I am very happy for him to be taking care of himself so well. I wish I could say the same about myself.

Here is a screenshot of my puzzle Instagram when it hit 1000 followers:

Posted on

Catching Up – February 2025

Peanut Butter likes to hang out with me while I am working (my desk is in my bedroom). He has taken to jumping up on my desk lately, but often he gets comfortable on my bed. He will turn 12 next month and thankfully is in good health.

Lately I have been spending quite a bit of time helping to plan the 2025 Autism Mother to Mother Luncheon. I am coordinating the registration committee. Online registration for the event opened yesterday, and we have had almost 70 moms sign up already! We can accommodate 100, so we still have a few spots left. I am also working on all the handouts, such as the program, name tags, etc.

I am not super involved in fundraising since it is not one of my strengths, but I did get a gift basket donated by my hairstylist for the raffle we are holding at the event. Here’s a picture of it:

My friend Kim and I have been spending our weekly Saturday lunch and movie get togethers going through the Good Witch movies. We have finished all the ones that took place before the TV show started, so now I am watching the show on my own and we are watching the additional movies together where they fit in the timeline.

For Christmas, I had given Kim a t-shirt that mashes together the Bennet sisters from Pride & Prejudice with the Abbey Road album cover from the Beatles. She wore it yesterday so I was able to get a shot of it:

I have really been enjoying the women’s table group at church. We meet every other Wednesday evening and share a meal and discussion about the recent Sunday sermons. The idea popped into my head a few days ago to suggest that we open the group to non-binary people and, when I suggested it to the group, they all seemed to like the idea. Our leader is going to talk to the pastor who oversees the groups and let her decide the best way to communicate it. I am really happy that they liked the idea.

March is going to be a very busy month with the luncheon planning ramping up and lots of appointments for both me and Michael. Work has also been quite busy with lots of overtime needed to keep up. I’m hoping to be able to still carve out some time to relax and recharge by myself.

Posted on

Catching Up – December 2024

This is another catch-up post, but hopefully a bit more of a fun one. I’m not going to talk about work or health issues in this one.

In early November, Michael ran a short D&D campaign for me that he created based on Undertale and Delta Rune. It was actually a lot of fun, and I thought he did a great job writing it, drawing the maps, and running the campaign.

I tried a couple of new things in November as well. I had my first meeting on the planning committee for the 10th Annual Mother-to-Mother Luncheon. This year they are having it in three locations, one of which is Harrisburg. I volunteered to run the registration committee. I also attended a potluck and a support group meeting at a new organization called the Neurodiverse Network. I enjoyed the potluck, but the support group was a bit uncomfortable, especially when someone started saying how much they hate autism moms. I used to fit into that category and, although I have changed a lot of my views over time, I am still bouncing between being an autistic woman and the mother of an autistic adult. I haven’t interacted with them any further, and I doubt that I will.

In mid-November, our good friends Bill & Jenn came for a visit one evening. We had dinner and great conversation. Jenn even played puzzle chess with me and liked it enough that she wanted to play a second round!

For Thanksgiving, Michael was at his dad’s house, so I went to Renee’s for the day. Her boys were there as well as a couple of friends. Her boyfriend Chris cooked the meal, and it was fantastic. The brined turkey was so flavorful and my favorite sides were the sweet potato casserole with pecans and the sausage stuffing muffins. I took a 300-piece puzzle to do with whoever wanted to join in (Colorful Harvest, posted earlier this month).

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Kim & I went to see the movie Wicked. I didn’t really know the story, although I had heard a couple of the songs from the musical before. I absolutely loved it! It was 2 hours 40 minutes, but felt much shorter than that. I can’t wait until part 2 comes out next year!

Here are a couple of pictures I wanted to share. One was taken in the front of my church while I was greeting last Sunday, and the other is a picture of my former dog Baxter with his new owner’s mother’s dog Hudson. I am so glad he is still doing well.

I finally decorated my apartment this week, after having the boxes sit in my living room for a week or so. I would like to get a bigger, fuller tree sometime, but this one will do for now.

This week has been a bit busier. On Tuesday, Suzanne came over. We ordered Panera and started a puzzle. On Wednesday, Renee took me to Gabriella Italian Restaurant for my birthday. We had a great time and some wonderful food. On Friday, Jessyca showed up at my place with a Christmas gift for me, a custom puzzle. I was so surprised and happy to see her again after several months of total silence from her. Today, Michael & I went to an open house at a center that our church is considering a move to. We would need to build a worship space to add to the existing building, but it does seem like a pretty good option for us. I’m looking forward to seeing if things work out for this.

I’ll sign off with a pic of my recent haircut. I’m not going to keep it this short, but I do kind of like how it looks.

Posted on

My Deconstruction Journey Through Books

My Deconstruction Journey

I have come a long way in the last few years with regard to my faith and my understanding of God and the church. Many beliefs that I never felt comfortable with have been discarded, and other ideas that I had accepted as gospel have been dispelled as man-made and untrue. I have listened to a lot of podcasts and learned a lot from various forms of social media, but I have also read several books that have been very helpful. I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I wanted to share the books I have learned from so far here.

An Early Foray into Deconstruction

The first book I can recall reading in the deconstruction area was in July 2020, and the book was Fierce, Free and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You by Jen Hatmaker.  At the time it made me nervous to even be reading the book because some of her views did not align with the doctrine I had been taught all my life growing up in a pentecostal church and then moving into a charismatic church later on.  I ended up skimming the book and not really looking for anything else like it.

A Year of Biblical Womanhood

Fast forward to November of 2023 and I had moved to an inclusive, justice-oriented church and was starting to embrace some new ideas and let go of some old ones.  I then read A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans, which was a very readable book detailing how she spent a year trying to live out characteristics and actions commonly thought to make a biblical woman.  She spent one month focusing on each of twelve different areas.  It was fascinating and I felt my spirit opening up to more possibilities of what it could mean to be a Christian.

Fierce, Free and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You

After that, in December 2023, I decided to reread Fierce, Free and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You by Jen Hatmaker.  I appreciated it a lot more the second time around.  It is a self-reflective book and very encouraging.

Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again

In January 2024, I read another Rachel Held Evans book called Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again.  This book focused on exploring the Bible in a variety of ways using different types of literary expression.  Interestingly enough, one of my Bible professors in college talked a lot about the Bible as literature.  He was considered borderline heretical by some of the students, but he was still pretty conservative in what he shared with us compared to some of what I have read and heard over the last few years.

She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up

The next book I read in March 2024 was She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky.  This is a book aimed primarily at women who have daughters and want to give them better messages about their bodies and themselves than they would get from purity culture. I really enjoyed this book; even though I don’t have a daughter, it helped me with some of the internalized messages I still had from growing up in a conservative church environment.  This book is based on strong research the authors have conducted and contains a lot of charts and graphs highlighting various results they found.

Where We Meet: A Lenten Study of Systems, Stories, and Hope

During the Lent season of 2024, I attended a virtual Bible study hosted by my pastor, and we read and discussed the book Where We Meet: A Lenten Study of Systems, Stories, and Hope by Rachel Gilmore, Candace Lewis, et al.  The book contained daily reflections with a different topic for each week: Beginning the Journey, Diversity, Postcolonial, Equity, Contextual, and Innovation.  I was introduced to a lot of new concepts that I hope to spend more time studying at some point.

The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth

In May 2024, I read Beth Allison Barr’s book The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth.  In this book, Barr traces the history of the belief that God designed women to be submissive wives, virtuous mothers, and joyful homemakers. This was a well-written, easy-to-follow account of the historical events that have shaped this teaching into what it is today in American conservative circles.  It really helped solidify my thoughts on this topic.

Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation

Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes Du Mez is another book tracing the history of the conservative American church.  I read this in August 2024 and found it thoroughly fascinating and readable.  Du Mez takes us through the last 75 years of white evangelicalism in America, showing us how rugged masculinity and Christian Nationalism have taken over and also how these developments have led to the championing of Donald Trump by the religious right.

The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church

In September 2024, I picked up a recently released book called The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church by Sarah McCammon.  This was a very well-written book that is part memoir and part informational discourse on the issues that arise for people who don’t fit or who start to question the church.  I could relate to a lot of this book and found it very encouraging to the journey I have been on myself.

DNF (Did Not Finish)

I was recently reading Her Gates Will Never Be Shut: Hope, Hell, and the New Jerusalem by Bradley Jersak.  This was my second time attempting this book.  The writing is more dry and complicated, and I just had too hard a time getting through it.  I have always had a lot of fear of hell (and the rapture!), and what I got from what I did read is that there is really no way to know definitively what is going to happen as the Bible can be used to support several different views of the afterlife.  A related book I also DNF’d was Revelation for the Rest of Us: A Prophetic Call to Follow Jesus as a Dissident Disciple by Scot McKnight with Cody Matchett.  That book was too esoteric for me.

Moving Forward

I have noticed that all but one of the books I have read have been written by women.  I think that is interesting.  I have listened to a number of male podcasters, so I’m not anti-men by any means, but it seems like I gravitate towards books that are written from a woman’s perspective.

I have a large list of books related to deconstruction on my TBR.  Here is what I have at this point:

  • Faith Unraveled: How a Girl Who Knew All the Answers Learned to Ask Questions by Rachel Held Evans
  • Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans
  • A Flexible Faith: Rethinking What It Means to Follow Jesus Today by Bonnie Kristian
  • The Evangelical Imagination: How Stories, Images, and Metaphors Created a Culture in Crisis by Karen Swallow Prior
  • How God Sees Women: The End of Patriarchy by Terran Williams
  • Marriage in the Bible: What Do the Texts Say? By Jennifer Grace Bird
  • The Liturgy of Politics: Spiritual Formation for the Sake of Our Neighbor by Kaitlyn Schiess
  • The Ballot and the Bible: How Scripture Has Been Used and Abused in American Politics and Where We Go from Here by Kaitlyn Schiess
  • Reading While Black: African American Biblical Interpretation as an Exercise in Hope by Esau McCaulley
  • The Color of Compromise: The Truth About the American Church’s Complicity in Racism by Jemar Tisby
  • How to Fight Racism: Courageous Christianity and the Journey Toward Racial Justice by Jemar Tisby
  • Beyond Fragility: A Skills-Based Guide to Effective Anti-Racist Allyship by Yara Mekawi, Natalie Watson-Singleton, and Danyelle Dawson (I think this is a secular book, but it seems to fit in this list.)
  • The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky
  • Baby Dinosaurs on the Ark: The Bible and Modern Science and the Trouble of Making It All Fit by Janet Kellogg Ray
  • God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships by Matthew Vines
  • UnClobber by Colby Martin
  • Star-Spangled Jesus: Leaving Christian Nationalism and Finding a True Faith by April Ajoy

I am open to suggestions of other books you have found helpful in deconstructing harmful doctrines that are taught in the American church and in finding your way to a more honest and loving faith.

Posted on

Catching Up – October 2024

It has been a busy few months, yet I’m not sure how much progress I have made on things.

Michael did have two work assessments, but still has one more scheduled. He is applying for jobs as well. I believe his job coach is now on board with our feelings that Michael would do best in an office environment and without customer interaction. Now the hard part is finding something close by and part time.

Michael’s health is good. He has been losing weight. He is also meeting with his therapist regularly and has really taken ownership of those sessions. I recently took him to the podiatrist, which we learned should probably have been done several years ago, and he gave him some suggestions to assist with his issues. The main problem is flat feet.

Last weekend Michael flew to Minneapolis with his dad and stepmom for his cousin Kyle’s wedding. It seemed to go fairly well, although he was glad to get home.

I am still working on my health issues.

Mental Health – I am very happy with my psych nurse practitioner. We tried increasing my sertraline to help with my anxiety, but it had some side effects that I didn’t like. So now we are trying buspirone, which is supposed to help with anxiety but also may help with some other issues I have been experiencing.

GI – My allergist determined that I do not need Dupixent. She said my condition would now be described as PPI responsive esophageal eosinophila. She wanted me to take the PPI for three more months and then see the GI doc. It took two weeks and several phone calls to get the prescription to the right place and to get the GI clinic to schedule my appointment. It was very frustrating and I had to escalate the issue at both doctors’ offices.

Dental – I have had a cleaning, two fillings done, and a root canal. Next up is a permanent filling over the root canal and an extraction. After that, I’m going to check what’s still available on my insurance and make plans for additional work to be done.

Diabetes – My diet went downhill for a couple of months, but I am doing better with it now. I was starting to feel really tired all of the time and even had some sleep disturbances which my PCP thinks may be related to my blood sugar. She ordered me a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor, and I am looking forward to being able to track my blood sugar and hopefully be more in control of things.

Arthritis – The arthritis in my right hip has been acting up lately. My hip hurt so badly one day that I wasn’t able to put my right sock on, and I had to have Michael help me. After that, I bought a sock aid that Renee recommended, which is really nice. I also had difficulty standing for greeting at church last time I did it. I spoke to Pastor Shannon afterwards and asked if they had a tall chair that I could sit on while greeting. They do have one, and she agreed that I could use it for that.

In fun news, I have been spending my down time reading, puzzling, and streaming shows. I started a second Instagram account to post about books, since my first one has become mostly puzzles. I haven’t posted much on the book account yet, but I hope to keep adding to it.

In puzzle news, I bought a fun accessory – a desktop vacuum. It works great to clean up puzzle dust and even has a nozzle to get in the corners. I also framed my 2000-piece puzzle, Novel Avenue, and hung it above my couch. The frame I got is a bit flimsy since it was intended for a picture or a poster, not a puzzle, but it works for now.

Desktop vacuum
Novel Avenue puzzle

Last Saturday, Kim brought over her puppy Remus for our weekly lunch and a movie. He had just gotten fixed, so she didn’t want to leave him alone. At one point, he laid down on the couch in the same spot that her previous dog Sabbath had chosen when he was here shortly before he passed away. It was so sweet.

Remus
Sabbath